The Worst Job
Madam toastmaster, fellow toastmasters, and honored guests,
No matter how great our jobs might be, sometimes we just wish we were doing something else. Whenever I get that feeling, I start think about other jobs. There must be some job out there, that’s worse then the one I’m doing. One of the worst jobs I can think of is the job of the renderer.
Whenever I think of the renderer, I count my blessings. What exactly does the renderer do? Well, the renderer is kind of like a chef, he makes food for cattle, chickens, pigs, and other barnyard animals. He makes pet food and a host of other products. The recipes are a secret, but I have them, and I’d like to cook you up a couple of batches tonight. Let’s all go over to my kitchen, it will only take us minute get there.
Okay great everybody made it. Did you ever wonder where all the dead animals and animal parts go, that we don’t eat? Well, they go to the renderer, those are the secret ingredients.
Let’s get our big pot and turn up the heat. The first ingredient will be a cow. These are the parts that are inedible, the head, the spine the hooves, intestines, stuff like that. I do accept whole cows there called downer cows, the ones that are so diseased that can’t stand. Those are supposed to come to me, at least that’s what the government says. A few weeks ago, they were considered fit for human consumption, but that policy has recently changed. Between you and me, the big industrial farmers don’t like it when I give them pennies on the dollar, so I don’t get them all. Next will add a pig, a chicken, an old horse, cattle poop, and chicken poop, I don’t like to touch the poop with my hands. Okay will cover that, and let it stew for about an hour.
Now will take it off the heat and let cool. As it cools the fat is going to rise to the top, will scoop that off, filter it, send it on over to the centrifuge and then filter it some more. Were going to make some great products with that, like candies, soap, candles, and lipstick.
The heavier ingredients fall to the bottom, will send that over to the dryer and then pulverize it to get a nice powder, we can use that as feed. First were going to make cattle feed, that’s right will feed it back to the cows Although in 1997 a ban was put into effect, no more cow parts. So pretend I didn’t add that cow, in fact let me take that cow back out, we don’t want any mad cow disease. The reason we do all this is because it’s cost effective, we get cheap protein, and we get rid of all the dead animals at the same time. Even though cows are from the family of ruminants and are only suppose to eat grass, with the added protein in the diet, the big industrial farmer can get the cows to market at a heavier weight, and make more profit.
Now if we add the cow back in, legally we can feed it to chickens and pigs. I never could quite understand that, those are same chickens and pigs, we feed back to the cows. Oh, well, I suppose the lawmakers know what they’re doing, after all I’m just a renderer.
Were also going to make some pet food today, basically will be using the same ingredients the cow, the pig, the chicken and the old horse Were also going to add a few things, a dog, a cat, and this old donkey somebody found. Spot’s, in for a real treat tonight.
The last item will be making today uses cow’s blood, the blood is special, so we will do that separate. We pour that into the pot, heat it up, and stir. Next will dry it, and that will give us a nice protein powder. Legally were allowed to feed this back to the cows. Since most of the milk goes to market and not the calves, we have a special product just for the calves. It’s called First Life Formula, it’s dried blood, one of our best sellers.
You have just witnessed a day in the life of a renderer. Imagine toiling away in withering heat, surrounded by dead rotten animal flesh just imagine the stench. I realize the renderer must serve some purpose, after all he does help the farmer to produce cheap meat, and hey what would a birthday cake be without candles. Even though, I think I’ll stick with the grass fed beef I buy from my local farmer. The more and more I think about it, I’m glad I’m not the renderer.